About Love

August 22, 2011 at 3:48 am (Journal)

In my life time I have only truly loved three times, romantic love. Every time I do open up and love, those sneaking insecurities come back. I will not lie, I hate feeling insecure and I wish I could stop feeling that way. When this happens I hold on for dear life and end up pushing that loved one away. I feel it now. I know what will happen and I know there are friends that would say, “Tricia, that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

If it is I wish I could let go of this feeling. All it takes is a word and the flash of green enters my body and worms its way to the center where it sets up and waits. It is waiting now, it is there and there is nothing I can do about it. Hell, there is nothing anyone can do about it. Every word spoken could be perfect and precisely the thing I need to hear. Every hug or kiss could be timed just right and it would still be there. The fear that it brings is paralyzing. It is as these times I find myself shutting down emotionally, throwing up a make-shift wall to protect what part, if any, of my heart that has not been touched.

Then comes the questions; “What’s wrong? You are so quiet, is something the matter? There is something on your mind, what is it?” How do you tell someone loving them scares the shit out of you? How do you say that the only fears you have in the entire world are death and losing the ones you love? The truth of it is, I never saw the point. I have never understood why we are here making connections and then we die. It all seems so pointless. Why does it matter?

I could guess all day long why these connections matter, but I would have no idea where to start. I do not believe in a heaven, I barely believe in an afterlife at all. That’s just the thing, in my book it is black and white; alive or dead, there is no in-between. With that being said, all I see is loving someone and one of us getting hurt when the other eventually and inevitably dies. Then what happens to that love? Where does it go? How do you learn to put it away and be grateful for the time you had? I never learned that.

As a child I was told I would live forever, no lie. Being raised a Witness really fucks with your self perception. I can clearly remember my mother telling me that we were in the end times and that when they came the faithful would live forever. As a witness there is no heaven and no hell, there is just alive and dead. Eventually the end times will come and Christ will resurrect the dead to live forever on paradise on Earth. How twisted is that?

I had faith. I used to have a never-ending supply of faith, and then I woke up and realized how crazy all that sounded. Then I did research and found Charles Taze Russel. If you have no idea who that is, you should look it up and prepare yourself for a wonderful ride of fantasy. When I read about Mr. Russel I lost all faith, it was shattered. Faith in religion and faith in people. I cannot have faith in a person when it is so clear to me that people are not naturally good. People are naturally deceptive. We all create a web of lies to keep ourselves content.

All I see when I look at the world is a giant web of lies that if I found the right thread would unravel and fall apart. How can I keep the flash of green, that doubt, uncertainty and jealousy, out when it is all I can see? I want to be able to trust that love is enough. I want to have faith in those I love, but my faith in those I love has been shattered so completely that I would have no idea how to start.

My dad left when I was twelve. We had gone to visit my Nana and he literally brought me back to my mother and left for Illinois that night. I saw him so few times during my teen years. I have seen him more as an adult than I ever did as a teen. I could never call him because he never knew what to say to me. Shortly after he did that mom had to start supporting us on her own. That meant a job where she traveled. Boy, did she travel. She would be gone for a week at a time. Maybe as a teen I did not need her there as much, but it would have been nice.

I feel that every one I have ever loved just leaves. They all have their own thing they need to take care of and I become the background. I have fought for those I love, I have cried for them and I have broken down when I could not find the right solution. I was so angry as a teen. I was so alone, so I learned to be alone.

Alone there is only one person you must have faith in. If you cannot have faith in yourself then why even go on? Mom says I am never alone, I always have a boyfriend. Be that as it may, I am always alone. I may always have a boyfriend, but they usually just fill up a space not a need. When someone takes the time to try to fill that need, it scares me. The green creeps in and I end up running scared. After all, if I leave first they cannot leave me.

What happens next? Do I run or do they? I have never been good at being honest because what I think is so harsh that every one I know would be in shock to hear any of it. This is me being honest; I could run right now and break my own heart so that I could save the pain of them breaking my heart for me. I have, in the past, done this and I did not lose any sleep over it. I literally cut and ran to avoid being hurt by someone else. I hurt them on purpose, to save myself the pain. I hate that I did that, but it is done. I will not go into detail because I am honestly ashamed of what I did.

So many relationships and all I ever said was I hated being someone’s back burner babe. What I never said is that it was comfortable there. I have always wanted more, but the more is what scares me. On top of that, when the more is not constant the green sneaks in. However I am not totally hopeless. When I love, when I am truly there, when that green is able to come in, I take that chance. I let go of my blanket and leap. Then I am stuck here writing because I can never find the right words when I speak.

What’s wrong? Why am I so quiet? What’s on my mind? I am scared to death. I am afraid to love because I am afraid to lose that person, whether it be to death or to something else, I am terrified. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I have no idea why on Earth I am letting myself go through this. I have no idea why they stay. It is beyond me to think that they could possibly love me as much as they say they do and then they show me and I want to run. I hate that I want to run. It makes me so angry with myself but it is what I have always done. I am done with running. I am so sick of running so tired of breaking my own heart. I do not want them to break it for me. I want, for once in my life, for my faith in a person to not be misplaced. I want that faith to be worth it. Even though I feel I may be sorry for keeping that faith here I am holding on for dear life fighting the urge to run.